Last night a close friend asked me a very personal question to help with her uni work. She asked me- "how domestic violence had affected me from childhood up until my adult life"?
No one has ever asked me that before so I found it quite interesting. I answered and then I spent the whole night thinking about it and thinking, I am the founder of The Youth Life Project
, a charity that runs the campaign #YouthStories. I encourage young people to tell their stories, share their experiences of violence, bullying abuse etc., and yet I have experienced some of these things as a youth and have never spoken out about it. How can I expect and encourage people to write about their experiences when I have not done the same?
So I've made a decision. I am going to publish my answer to that question.
I'm not going to write a whole story about things that have happened to me as a child, I am just going to publish my answer to the question- 'how has domestic violence affected you'?
I'll admit that I'm feeling very anxious about it. What sort of reaction would it provoke? Most people I know wouldn't have a clue about my childhood, my family may not want me to talk openly about my mother experiencing domestic violence, (I have asked for her permission before I've gone ahead with this). It may come across attention seeking or even that I'm emotional. The worse affect would be if people felt sorry for me. Anyone that's friends with me would know I'd hate that.
I'm thinking, even if all that negativity did come of it, I'm sure maybe some positive would to?
If not at least I have done what I am encouraging others to do and tell their story (or an answer to a question in my case).
so here goes..
My answer-
"As a child, domestic violence affects you in many ways. I feel It affects your confidence mostly and weakens you as a person. It makes you feel insecure because as a child your mum is the strongest person in the world, your mum is an idol. So to see her being slowly broken down as a person, and demoralised, beaten, mentally abused on a daily basis, as a child you feel the affects of that too because in your eyes your mum is stronger than you and to see her go from a lively bubbly confident person to a weak, scared, emotional insecure person, you kind of feel the same too. Most children mimic the people they love, and are in tune with their emotions so their feelings have kind of a rebound affect on you. It also rocks your confidence and affects the way you socialise with people because its harder to interact or form relationships with other children when you're hiding a big secret and carrying loads of things emotionally. You can't be yourself, and you don't trust many people and sometimes envy other families.
As you get older and are in adolescence, its a crazy time. I felt angry at the world and just wanted to rebel. My mum left her abusive partner when I was a teen (14) so I felt a freedom that now I could finally do what I want because we're not controlled anymore, but I took that too far and went off the rails. I also got into a lot of fights with men and was easily provoked because as soon as a male made me feel intimidated or scared in an argument or fight I would lash out and would not stop until I had gotten the better of them, and worse of all was that it made me feel good.
Later on in adult life, there are positives because it makes you a stronger person and a better parent in the sense you know you will never let any harm come to your children, you'll never let them have any sort of life you have had. You treat people better and are more caring because of what you've seen as a child and I always make sure I tell my friends when they look good and are doing good because I want them to feel confident and never insecure like we was made to feel.
The negative for me though is that I find it hard to keep a relationship because as soon as someone does me wrong I take it really hard and personal and feel like I have to exit the relationship because I won't have my children put through any arguing etc., Where in fact I probably should try harder to work at it. I think I just get really scared I'm going to be like my mum and I've grown up striving to be the opposite (my mum's a legend. I mean be opposite as in not allow anyone to treat me or my children bad).
Domestic violence has affected me emotionally and mostly with trust issues but it has made me a stronger person, a better parent and I do find it easier to have empathy for adults or children experiencing the same. It's also made me very protective of the people I care about and I have really good morals that I always stand by.
As a child I also experienced many other forms of abuse, so maybe my experience of domestic violence may not be the same as others because I experienced other things alongside it.
So now I'm asking- How has it affected YOU?
If you have experienced domestic violence and would too would like to join in the #YouthStories campaign and publish your real life experience of how abuse, domestic violence, sexual abuse, bullying, rape, obesity, illness or poverty has affected you as a child or teen and may still affect you in adult life. Please email danielletylp@gmail.com with your story, and suitable ones will be published to the blog. By doing this you are encouraging others to speak up and you are letting people that have been affected by any of the above know they are not alone.
The most important point I must make is that yes, my childhood was bad but I've gone on to have 2 amazing children who are raised beautifully in a loving home full of fun and happiness, I run a wonderful charity and use my bad experiences to help others, I have amazing friends and family and I consider my life to be pretty awesome and definitely full of lots of love and positivity.
The point being- Never let your past rule your future and never let the bad people win!
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